There’s a point in your twenties when you no longer have the same priorities, desires, or time as your friends. When we’re younger, we generally experience similar life phases as our friends: going to school, graduating from school, heading to college, and getting our first job. Most of our phases are set time periods that we don’t control so as a result, we experience things together, at the same pace. We might have some aspects of life we differ on – relationships, sports, family – but our foundation is usually very similar.
This changes in your twenties – people start to get married, move multiple times, and find who they are. All of this introduces complexities in our friendships and while exciting can also make us feel uncomfortable, confused and lonely, especially when we aren’t the one changing. The first time this happened, I found it to be a tough adjustment. When my first close friend got married and started to have kids, she was determined to still prioritize her friends the same. Even with this dedication though, things changed, and the reality was that with another person to take care of, she just can’t give the same time to her friends. At the time, I was in/out of relationships and felt very disconnected from her. It was the first time in our friendship of over 15 years where we couldn’t exactly relate. This reality made me sad and I realized that our friendship was probably never going to be the same.
This was only the beginning of multiple friendships that would change over the years, some so much so that we aren’t friends anymore. Like the old song, you make new friends and sometimes keep the old. If you are experiencing that now, just know that it does get easier, and you learn more about who you are as you evolve with your friendships. I think this played a huge role in helping me discover what I want in life. The evolution doesn’t stop in your twenties though. I’ve noticed in my thirties that finding friends is different, and the friendships that change or dissolve don’t always get replaced as easily or at all. I don’t think it’s a factor of options but more a reflection of what I now want. Now that I have changed, I find it harder to find other people who want the same things out of life and friendship. I develop friendships that I can hang out with in specific capacities and for specific amounts of time, based on where we connect and both our personalities, but don’t necessarily feel the broader connection as some of my “be all” friends from when I was younger.
Facing this and admitting this is happening is hard because it can leave you feeling dismal. It’s not fun to admit that it’s harder to make friends and definitely can be internalized as a reflection of you. Am I difficult or just picky? Am I being selfish by not trying to invest more with specific people or do I just know more of what I need? Am I only looking for friends who add some value to my life or am I just more aware of how to balance who I’m friends with? I’ve reflected on these questions a lot and decided that it’s an ongoing process. With some people, I may just be less willing to invest to get to know them because I don’t have time to learn to appreciate our differences. For others, we just might not be a good fit, and I realize this now that I know myself better. I don’t know if this is just a 30-something phase but imagine that like my 20s, when I look back, I will be all the more happier for experiencing it.
Leslie Delery 