Recently, I noticed myself feeling a little less confident than normal. Nothing had changed in my life to cause this shift – dating status: single, job situation: employed, fitness level: always dieting because otherwise I would eat an entire wheel of cheese. Yet, I felt self-conscious, hypersensitive, and questioning all my interactions with people. At first, I thought it must be because I didn’t get an audition I really wanted, so I was feeling rejection. I thought I would be a great fit for the role so it makes sense that my confidence would take a hit from not getting it. But after processing the rejection (which I have done plenty of times before and when I worked in the corporate world), the feeling still lingered in a way that I had never felt before. I was looking down on myself and feeling more than just disappointed – I was ashamed.
I had just come back from a girl’s trip where I spent a lot of time talking to new people which usually includes talking about what you do. For me, this involves “explaining” how one makes it as a host. When you are in a creative profession, the first question people always ask is, “Do I know any of your work?” It’s funny to me because when you are in the corporate world having a job seems to be enough (no one ever asked to see my last presentation), but in a creative field, it’s like you have to be known to be real. I don’t think people consciously see how the question feels to the other side, but in my case, I think just being asked it so many times in a short period took its toll. The shame came from hearing my own answer over and over again during a time where I was also processing the rejection of a role I really wanted.
Some shame comes because of what we did to someone or ourselves that is hurtful so we feel remorse – let’s call this moral shame. Feeling moral shame is somewhat rationale because it’s related to an actual or perceived error. The second type of shame, shadow shame, doesn’t always make as much sense. Our emotions make us feel foolish or humiliated when we don’t get the outcome we hoped for and cast a shadow that prevents us from feeling joy or happiness. While it comes from good intentions and a desire to protect – you, a situation, a friend – it really is a reaction to vulnerability or fear. We end up feeling like a fraud or, even though I don’t like saying this term, a loser.
So often, how a comment is taken is the opposite of the intention.
One of the things I’ve realized more and more as I’ve gotten older is how different everyone interprets and perceives things. My mom and I recently had an exchange where I was interpreting her reaction as one of skepticism when she actually meant the opposite. Luckily I had the courage to bring up how her reaction upset me, and we could talk through what she meant. So often, how a comment is taken is the opposite of the intention. The same goes for shame. Shadow shame is all about our interpretation of events. When I thought about the shame I felt, I realized nothing came from a reaction from anyone else. It was all just my fears and a projection of how vulnerable I felt from not having a famous show to link to my name. It was all my view of events and thoughts. So like all imaginary stories, it needed to come to an end. I spoke truth to myself (and continue to do so daily) to not let my imagination take such a strong hold that a shadow of shame hinders my light.
Leslie Delery 