Author: lcdelery

Internet rabbit holes are my new best friend lately. A few weeks ago, I started off on usmagazine.com and ended up on a random website, crying as I watched Miley Cyrus’ breakdown during her performance of “Wrecking Ball” after her break up with Liam Hemsworth (luckily, knowing they are back together, got me through it).  Last week, after watching the movie Miss Sloane, which involves a trial and key eyewitness testimony, I ended up down another rabbit hole, this time researching the history of eyewitnesses.

It got me thinking about how much we rely on our own interpretation of events, whether in the courtroom or not, and how that, like some court cases, skews what we recall actually happened.  More specifically, I started thinking about a conversation with a friend on healing.  She heard advice from her therapist that I heard a few years back – memories can help us identify specific points of trauma or warn us of danger, but after a certain point, they are not quite as useful.  We have to let them go to allow our new self to come forward and make judgments on more recent information.

So when should we use our memories to process and heal from wounds or when should we think back less?

In Anatomy of the Soul, psychiatrist Curt Thompson gives a great visual for how our memory works:

Every time we remember something, the memory itself changes, for the neural networks that are associated with that mental image are either reinforced to fire in a similar but slightly different fashion, or they are shaped and altered to fire differently…. In other words, the context in which you are remembering – both the setting and feelings about it – will shape the very memory you are having.

This quote rocked my world. I had always thought of my memories, or at least the really vivid ones, as fixed. I have one memory of winning a contest at my swim club when I was young and being terrified to go up and claim my prize. I hid and cried in the bathroom instead of going to get my winning jar of gummy bears. Sadly, because I didn’t, the prize got placed in the swim club office and melted into a big ball.

The context in which you are remembering – both the setting and feelings about it – will shape the very memory you are having.

It is one of my only memories from when I am younger.   When I think of that day I recall fear, embarrassment, shame and other very negative, almost traumatic emotions (which sounds silly writing out loud) – but was it as I now recall it?  Maybe it wasn’t actually that bad, just a short cry, but because now when I cry it’s always about something big, I am associating that memory as being on the same level as some of my more recent crying experiences.  Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill because I’m incorrectly associating the memory.

The truth is, only God knows.  I might never know the truth of my gummy bear experience (*sigh*).  Luckily this memory doesn’t involve any real harm, but I think the time has come to let it go.  Thinking about this memory is not helping me to move past anything and only reinforcing negative feelings.  Are there any memories that do the same for you?  To do this, for me, this means literally talking to myself in my head.  As soon as I start to sense memories I’ve identified as making me feel worse, I tell myself a positive affirmation or Bible verse.  For others, like my friend, doing something to bring you back to the present moment might work better. There are a lot of different ways to do this that might be worth exploring.  Our minds never want to go down the road less traveled, but sometimes that’s exactly where we need to force our thoughts.

You setting your New Year’s resolutions 2 weeks ago: This year is going to be my year! I am going to get in the best shape of my life, stop eating sweets and learn to paint. I have wanted to learn to paint for ten years.

You today: I made it to the gym 5 days last week, but this week was really hard because it was cold. I think I’ll adjust my goal to 4 days a week which is more realistic. I still want to cut out sweets but I’ll start once the leftover holiday cookies are gone. I froze them but they actually taste better frozen. I’ve been painting at least once a week, and that’s been fun!

Can you relate? It hasn’t even been two weeks since you set your resolutions, but the grandiose plans you had for yourself this year are starting to slip through your fingers. Resolutions seem so good on paper but are so hard to actually accomplish. The psychology of it all reminds me of a Someecard I saw that said: “I screwed up my diet for this Monday. Looks like I’ll have to wait until next Monday since diets can’t possibly start on any other day of the week.” As soon as the smallest signs of defeat surface we figure, what’s the point and then push it off until some other day that never comes.

Before you abandon changes that could make YOU happier, I want to pose and discuss 3 simple questions. Answering these will help you identify barriers that could actually be self-sabotaging your progress.

1. Is your resolution something you can accomplish weekly? If not, your goal may be too big for your brain to handle. A social psychologist at NYU explained that when a goal is challenging but seems like something we can achieve, our body reacts and gets ready to go into action towards our goal. If a goal is too big, our body literally doesn’t have a reaction to setting the goal, indicating we may be setting ourselves up to fail from the beginning. So, if setting a goal to lose 10 pounds this year feels too big, set your goal to lose a pound a week. After you lose the pound and feel not only physically good but also mentally excited from the chemical boost in your brain, you are more likely to set another.
2. What have you CHANGED about your LIFESTYLE to help you reach your goal? For example, if your goal is to change your eating habits, have you changed what groceries you buy or where you eat out? Have you changed when you grocery shop? Have you researched the types of foods that would help you accomplish your goal? Goals are easy to set and sometimes even a plan is easy to set, but what’s not easy is seeing all the indirect ways our habits make our goals impossible. Before you decide that it’s too hard to cut out sweets or some other eating habit, look at the steps that lead up to you eating and decide if there is anything in that process that you can change to help you stay more on track. For me, when I try to lose weight, I know I can’t grocery shop hungry otherwise I’m going home with box macaroni (don’t be a hater, it’s delicious).
3. Do you let yourself take breaks from your resolution? Change is hard. Everyday we have different emotions and sometimes those emotions don’t agree with wanting us to be “better” or accomplish what we actually do in fact want to accomplish. Sometimes we just want to live in our comfort zone and relax. When you are trying something new (like painting) or trying to change, you are still pushing yourself to do something that isn’t your normal so it takes additional energy to keep going. Taking a break may give you the mental permission to slip up that will actually keep you going – and when it comes to food or working out, sometimes by going back to old habits, you realize that your old habits actually make you feel worse, motivating you to keep sticking to your resolution.

At some point in your life, you’ve been forced out of your comfort zone and felt this weird, uncomfortable thing called vulnerability. We usually try to avoid vulnerability, and that makes sense because it’s totally scary – the definition is “to be susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.” When you read that, it seems like only a fool would TRY to be vulnerable. It’s the worst thing that can happen to a sports team, company or military. And yet, when it comes to us growing, learning and feeling fulfilled as individuals, being vulnerable is one of the most important steps.

Changing activities that you normally wouldn’t think about forces your brain outside its comfort zone, keeping it fresh.

I read an article a long time ago that talked about ways to keep your brain alert as you get older. One of the suggestions was to switch which hand you use to clean – meaning, if you like to Windex or vacuum with your right hand, start using your left hand for a few weeks. Changing activities that you normally wouldn’t think about forces your brain outside its comfort zone, keeping it fresh. When you are younger and learning all the time, you are vulnerable a lot and don’t even know it. As an adult though, we have to force vulnerability because we settle into our comfort zone if we don’t fight against it.

The risk of rejection brought up fears and values I didn’t know about myself.

This past summer, per the advice of a media coach, I pushed myself to be more vulnerable on social media. I might has well have been walking around Manhattan naked. It was one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life thus far. The risk of rejection brought up fears and values I didn’t know about myself. I felt so insecure about things I had never given a second thought. But then, as expected, over a few weeks, I didn’t feel as vulnerable – like a fog clearing, I started to adjust to this new comfort zone and then one day, it was just here.

The experience was weirdly exciting. I feel a new level of freedom and confidence that I wasn’t expecting. What has been most surprising though is how connected I feel to more people. I expected to have people gasp at my thoughts on different topics or at a minimum, just ignore them. But in my most vulnerable moments, the opposite happened – people who never used to engage started to share their own thoughts. As much as we like to think of ourselves as so different, there really is nothing new under the sun. We might not relate to one person on every level, but we can relate different people even if its just in one area of common ground.

We all have a human need to connect to other humans, and the only way to truly connect is to be vulnerable. Brene Brown talks about how vulnerability is the first thing we look for when we meet someone yet it’s the last thing we want to do ourselves. I also once watched a solitary confinement documentary where one prisoner said he would rather act up and be beaten by a guard than be alone 24 hours a day – vulnerability in its most extreme! Vulnerability while scary makes you connect to people more and in a deeper way. I promise.

It is hard is hard to look past your current circumstances and trust that the specific situation or process you are doing will turn out ok or bring the change you want.

Religious or not, you have probably been told to just “have faith” about something at some point in your life. And it’s not easy. I think people use this expression to be encouraging towards tried and true approaches that yield a favorable outcome for most people – things like AA are proven to help people break addictions which may not feel promising to an alcoholic when they are first setting out. Despite this, because no one really knows how something will turn out, it is hard is hard to look past your current circumstances and trust that the specific situation or process you are doing will turn out ok or bring the change you want. To add to this, as a Christian, I’ve been taught that faith also means that everything might not work out as I want it to in a situation, but it works out how I would have wanted it to if I knew all that God knows. Ugh!

Right now, I’m doing a 12-week creative improvement process called the Artist’s Way – you may have heard of it if you are an actor, writer or painter. The process is meant to help you unblock your creative side and “discover and develop your artist within.” It might sound like a cheesy self-help book, but in talking about the book, I learned of my acquaintances actually restarted an old passion because of the book. Even with hearing about other people’s success with the book, it’s hard to believe that this will work FOR ME. The book guides you through exercises that seem unrelated to helping me harness my creativity. For example, how is doing a brain dump of all my thoughts for 3 pages in the morning going to make me a better talk show host? Or why is taking myself on a solo date going to help me recharge my inner artist? I’m still not sure, but this week I had a realization.

Knowing that the more uncomfortable and foreign it feels means that we ARE moving forward, even if we don’t see an output in the moment.

When we set out to do something new, we can never see the end goal…. because we’ve never been in the new reality we are striving to create. We are working towards something that of course we can’t picture because we’ve never experienced it! Sadly, our brains find comfort in the known so anything that we haven’t experienced directly feels scary and impossible, so our brain tells us “stop trying this new thing out, it’s not working.” But those feelings are what can help us have faith – knowing that the more uncomfortable and foreign it feels means that we ARE moving forward, even if we don’t see an output in the moment. Knowing that the more RESISTANCE we feel towards doing new things means we are entering the unknown, and the unknown is a NEW reality that is right for us now. Trusting that even if the process doesn’t give us the exact same results as what we thought we would have, it gives us results that are adjusted to us, our needs, and how we embraced the process. So join me… let’s have faith together!

Pride is like a subconscious superpower gone bad.  Instead of saving other people, it tries to save each of us from situations where it thinks we are in trouble or just not showing our greatness enough.  I picture it as a little character in my brain, like in the movie Inside Out.  An enemy of the moment – whether that be a friend, my mom, anyone – starts talking about something my brain doesn’t want to accept, like someone I know getting my dream job.  All my emotions are sitting there listening, but then my little pride character busts in with a shield saying “Don’t worry, I’ll kill this idea, it’s not really true, and of course, you are better than them!”  It takes over my other thoughts and emotions and off it goes to fight using words or maybe even actions against what really isn’t even an enemy at all.  I suddenly start spewing out what me, my family, or friends have done that is better or minimizing what someone else has done.  The few “victories” I have make my pride character think that she can defeat anything and convince her I need her help.

It’s scary to me how quickly she can pop up and how hard I have to use my other powers to fight her off.  A lot of times I won’t even realize my pride is present until a situation turns bad and I’m reflecting on why the conversation became so off.  I certainly haven’t mastered this in the moment and wonder if you ever really master this as you age.  Lately though I’ve been more worried about how pride may be impacting me in the bigger picture, preventing me from moving on from bigger things, like a job.  My daily meditation app Calm.com had a great quote the other day that stuck with me about when to push back versus when to accept a reality you can’t change.  It said “wisdom is knowing when to surrender.”  As I think about pride specifically, I wonder how much of our inability to accept and move on comes from our ability to not accept defeat.

Some people might think defeat feels like a strong word – I agree, I think it is.  I don’t think not getting a job, deciding to end a relationship, even deciding you can’t stick with a diet is always defeat.  I think what makes accepting that outcome hard though is because we feel defeated.  We internalize not reaching our goal as failure or defeat, and that’s where our pride comes in.  Because we have such a negative association with these words, we don’t like to walk away.  We try to push through when maybe, it’s just not meant to be.  But what if we thought of each of these as just an outcome – if we forgot about the past, how we got here and evaluated where we are today as just today.  We didn’t criticize ourselves for not doing enough or the right thing before and just looked at whether we still want what we set out to do now.  Would we still think about our situation as defeat?  And would we walk away today or continue to push an outcome to change?  Sometimes you do have to push through – a lot of marriages are saved when people do just this – but just make sure you are pushing through for the right reasons, not because you don’t want to admit the answer to what you want is ‘No.’

There are a million things to get distracted by these days, and it’s exhausting!  Last weekend I watched Dazed and Confused #alrightalrightalright – aside from being shocked at little Ben Affleck, I couldn’t help but notice the simplicity of it all.  When they were out with their friends, they were just out with their friends – no posting or tweeting about what they were doing because they had no cell phones.  Someone told me recently that Friends is making a comeback amongst high school students for the same reason – high school kids are intrigued by the 90s when there were landlines and no social media.  While it’s amazing to be able to see friends or family halfway across the globe, technology, specifically our phones, can overstimulate us to the point where it literally becomes too much to handle.  I have days where I’m just on overdrive, switching between so many apps and programs that I get anxious when I try to go to bed and slow down.  As an older millennial who has already lived during a time when things were a lot more simple, I get why younger people are intrigued by this time and don’t think it’s a hopeless goal.

When I hear people reminiscing for simpler times, I’ve mostly hear older generations trying to force millennials to go back to the way it was before, the live the way they grew up – folks say ‘you need to talk to people in person more’ or ‘you need to stop taking pictures of your every move’… as if they would have listened to their elders say that when the computer came out.  I had this conversation with someone in his 60s recently who said that their 20-year-old needs to just give up the texting and learn how to call people.  I can’t say I disagree that sometimes texting isn’t the right approach (which I am patiently reminded of by my boyfriend), but I do think trying to convince people that they shouldn’t take advantage of the latest in technology is a lost cause.  Instead, we need to help people see that they DO have a choice on whether to engage in the areas that are making their life feel more complex.

I have never been on Facebook but am on Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat.  Facebook came out when I was a third year in school and my school was one of the first ten schools to get access to Facebook.  Sure, over the past 12 years, there have been times when I debated joining because I didn’t want to miss out on what everyone else was doing.  Recently I’ve debated joining because it’s become such a crucial forum for marketing.  The reason I’ve never done it though is mostly because of time – in the scheme of what I want to spend time on, I just don’t have time for it.  I bring this up because even though social influences may make you feel otherwise, I think it’s up to you to make a choice.  I chose to limit myself to certain social media platforms because I thought my head might explode if I joined more.  If you are craving more simplicity, you can find ways to make your life more simple, like the olden days.  Maybe it’s by removing certain things on your phone so you aren’t so addicted.  Maybe it’s putting your phone away for an hour every night so you can relax without the pressure of tweeting or texting.  Technology is incorporated into so many areas of our life now so we can’t go exactly to the way things were, but we don’t have to chain ourselves to it… if we want to feel more free.

There’s a point in your twenties when you no longer have the same priorities, desires, or time as your friends.  When we’re younger, we generally experience similar life phases as our friends: going to school, graduating from school, heading to college, and getting our first job.  Most of our phases are set time periods that we don’t control so as a result, we experience things together, at the same pace.  We might have some aspects of life we differ on – relationships, sports, family – but our foundation is usually very similar.

This changes in your twenties – people start to get married, move multiple times, and find who they are.  All of this introduces complexities in our friendships and while exciting can also make us feel uncomfortable, confused and lonely, especially when we aren’t the one changing.  The first time this happened, I found it to be a tough adjustment.  When my first close friend got married and started to have kids, she was determined to still prioritize her friends the same.  Even with this dedication though, things changed, and the reality was that with another person to take care of, she just can’t give the same time to her friends.  At the time, I was in/out of relationships and felt very disconnected from her.  It was the first time in our friendship of over 15 years where we couldn’t exactly relate.  This reality made me sad and I realized that our friendship was probably never going to be the same.

This was only the beginning of multiple friendships that would change over the years, some so much so that we aren’t friends anymore.  Like the old song, you make new friends and sometimes keep the old.  If you are experiencing that now, just know that it does get easier, and you learn more about who you are as you evolve with your friendships.  I think this played a huge role in helping me discover what I want in life.  The evolution doesn’t stop in your twenties though.  I’ve noticed in my thirties that finding friends is different, and the friendships that change or dissolve don’t always get replaced as easily or at all.  I don’t think it’s a factor of options but more a reflection of what I now want.  Now that I have changed, I find it harder to find other people who want the same things out of life and friendship.  I develop friendships that I can hang out with in specific capacities and for specific amounts of time, based on where we connect and both our personalities, but don’t necessarily feel the broader connection as some of my “be all” friends from when I was younger.

Facing this and admitting this is happening is hard because it can leave you feeling dismal.  It’s not fun to admit that it’s harder to make friends and definitely can be internalized as a reflection of you.  Am I difficult or just picky?  Am I being selfish by not trying to invest more with specific people or do I just know more of what I need?  Am I only looking for friends who add some value to my life or am I just more aware of how to balance who I’m friends with?  I’ve reflected on these questions a lot and decided that it’s an ongoing process.  With some people, I may just be less willing to invest to get to know them because I don’t have time to learn to appreciate our differences.  For others, we just might not be a good fit, and I realize this now that I know myself better.  I don’t know if this is just a 30-something phase but imagine that like my 20s, when I look back, I will be all the more happier for experiencing it.

A friend and I were recently talking about how her boyfriend has no idea where his money goes each month and doesn’t save any money.  She, working in finance and checking each individual transaction on her credit card statement against its receipt, could not fathom not knowing about her spending and not putting away money each month.  A few days later, I saw an article that pretty much said the same thing as my friend’s boyfriend.  The article stated 7 out of 10 Americans have less than $1,000 in savings, and this isn’t just folks who are low or middle income.

7 out of 10 Americans have less than $1,000 in savings

Over a third of folks making over $100,000 a year have less than $1,000 in savings as well.  In addition, the US personal savings rate (i.e. the percentage of your income after taxes that goes into savings, investments, etc.)  is down to half of what it was 50 years ago and is lower than almost all other developed countries.  It seems like a large percentage of the country is either unable to save or not prioritizing it which reminds me of my 20s.

When I started making money out of college, I didn’t want to know where my money went and savings was a small priority.  Instead of making a budget, I just took what I was making each month, deducted my rent, and hoped for the best.  For the most part, this system worked out pretty well, and I have my parents to thank #shoutout.  My parents were very strict when I got a credit card at 18 years old, threatening to cut up my credit card (that was NOT in their name) if they found out I had a balance.  It really annoyed me that they were keeping such a close eye, but over the years, it started to make sense.  My parents wanted to instill in me an ability to know when I can spend and when I can’t, what’s been coined “mental accounting.”  I would never have labeled it this myself, but it’s definitely what I would do.  I had created a subconscious system about how I spend my money that was based on my assessment:  Is something worth the price?  Will I regret if I don’t spend money on this?  Do I have the money now or should I wait for a future paycheck?  I would ask myself these questions in the moment and keep a semi-running mental list of where my expenses were for the month.  I would target putting away a certain amount each month and if my mental math worked out, I got to save a little.  The months where I didn’t really track well and went buck wild, I didn’t save.

It wasn’t the worst process, but I never reflected on where my money was going and wasn’t prioritizing saving.  I never asked myself the question “Am I spending my money where I want to be spending it for now and the future?”  As a result, at the end of some months, I would be frustrated that I couldn’t do or buy some of the things I wanted because the budget had run dry by the time these things popped up (which also really annoyed my friends when I made promises I couldn’t keep).  What I was missing was a planning component – the part of mental accounting where I figure out where I want to spend and overlay that into my decisions, the dreaded process of BUDGETING.  I think the word budget scares people (and me) because it implies work – thinking, calculating and ongoing assessment.  Thinking about your priorities, divvying up the money you make, and then following up on yourself.  If you are an Excel lover, you may love this – nothing like sitting down on a Saturday morning with a coffee and a color coded, Excel spreadsheet.  For the rest of us though, facing our expenses doesn’t give us the same high so we put it off… and if you are like me, for a few too many years.

I finally started budgeting in my late 20s, and I’m a lot happier with my finances as a result.  I don’t think I would have been able to save money without budgeting.  It took me a little while to figure out my system – I didn’t want to build a robust Excel spreadsheet so I decided to start by looking at graphs of my historical spending by category.  This may sound hard to do but credit card companies actually do this for you now so all you have to do is look at your online account.  I looked at how my spending was for two different years and whether it felt “right” for me.  I then did the math on how that breaks out by paycheck so I would know generally how much I can spend on each category: food, clothing, rent. etc.  Over time, as my income has changed, I’ve adjusted what buckets should be increased or decreased.  If a big trip or wedding pops up, I can decide which bucket to adjust to pay for the expense.  When I spend, I have a sense of this in my head and still keep a semi-running mental list of each categories balance.  If I go over in one, I know I’m making a trade-off in another and can decide if it’s worth it.

This may feel like a lot of work to but at the end of the day, finances are a big part of our life and saving isn’t always easy.  It’s like delicious french fries staring at you from the table but deciding not to eat them because you want ice cream later.  It feels easier to ignore finances but our decisions earlier in life usually come back to impact us later on, positively or negatively.  Unfortunately, for most people, a lot of our decisions are impacted by our finances.  If you’ve never made a budget, I encourage you to think about it today – find a system that works for you and start spending your money how you want to spend it… and don’t forget to save a little!  As Jon Stein founder of Betterment shared on last week’s episode, $1 invested today can turn into $20 to $40 later in life!  Don’t miss out!