Author: lcdelery

I’m not someone who often feels regrets or plays the ‘what if’ game about what could have happened if one little thing in a situation had been different.  I think I don’t feel regrets because I’ve had to get behind my decisions from a fairly young age.  I started out my career in consulting which required me to make a lot of recommendations with very little experience.  At the beginning it felt very much like ‘fake it til you make it.’  I learned how to make decisions quickly, with just the information at hand, and be confident in those decisions.  Because I was often presenting these recommendations back to clients, I learned how to be very confident and get behind a recommendation even if I felt that what I was recommending was only slightly better than another option.  It’s made me confident about making decisions in my other parts of life which I think ties to regrets – I can make a decision and know that what I made was the best for that version of me, at the time.  Sure, future me may make a different decision if put in the exact same situation – but for who I was at the time, I trust my decision to choose that path.

Even though I haven’t really felt regrets, I didn’t realize how much happier I could be until I quit my job in April.  For a little over two years, I consistently disliked my job, but I didn’t quit because I felt that quitting wouldn’t lead me to a happier place.  I knew people who quit their job and moved on to the next and weren’t much happier.  I also didn’t have an idea of what I would do if I left – I had spent my career in various consulting and financial services companies and got the same itch to leave each job after a couple of years.  Moving again, in my head, wouldn’t have made a difference, and I had to find what inside me was driving the unhappiness.  I was very grateful for my job, at the same time, as I had family members and friends who were struggling to find jobs during the time so I knew I was fortunate to have anything.  I also didn’t believe that you should only do a job that you love and needed to pay back my school debt.  Sometimes, your priority has to be to survive and survival involves working in a job that you don’t love.  So I stuck with my job, not enjoying it, and got more frustrated with myself and visibly at work, as I struggled to figure out what to do next.

A company reorganization and breakup later, I woke up to what was driving my unhappiness.  I was so focused on fixing my job by answering questions like ‘what are the day to day aspects of my job I like?’ and ‘what are the skills I bring to a job?’ that I failed to think about how my job was impacting and controlling other aspects of my life.  My problem was that I didn’t really care about what I was doing in my job, in the big scheme of things, yet this was all I was doing.  My job had gotten so stressful and time consuming that it ate up all of my energy.  I couldn’t step back from it because I didn’t want to let others around me down yet the stress it was adding to my life was making me a worse person.  I think if I had felt passionate about the cause, then I would have felt less stressed because I would have been making an impact.  But for me, hearing about all the things in the world and doing what I was doing were a big disconnect, one that because it took up so much of my time, I basically reached a breaking point.

So, I quit my career because I realized I couldn’t devote all of my time and energy to something that wasn’t allowing me to enjoy my life everyday.  I decided to pursue a new career that I’ve always wanted to do and get a side job to make money.  It isn’t easy – I’ve had to really think about my priorities and trade financial freedom for flexibility.  I’ve sometimes had to disappoint people and say no to things I want to do because I can’t afford it or don’t have time.  But I couldn’t be happier.  My general mood and attitude are moving in a positive direction versus the negative direction I felt before.  I feel like I can breathe and relax again.  Which brings me to my point – I’ve realized over the past few months and after attending a funeral last week for my friend’s dad who was only 66 years old, that the cliche expression “life is short” carries so much meaning.  If you recognize that something needs to change within yourself or your life, don’t ignore it and think big picture of how it could be impacting you.  You don’t want to reach the point of regrets or in some cases, never be able to change it because it’s too late.  Don’t put off what you want be it big or small, whether it’s having a family, reading a book, doing something you enjoy.  The other side might be way better than you expected, or like in my case, beyond what you ever dreamed.

When I did my first few man on the street episodes, a few people asked me if it was hard to get people to talk for the episodes.  My answer was no, and honestly, I hadn’t really thought about that being an issue at all going into it.  Man on the street episodes are done for various networks so I figured there wouldn’t be an issue with approaching people to be on camera.  Then, in June, I did an episode on dating a robot where I wanted to interview both millennials and non-millennials to see whether there was a difference in response based on generation.  For this episode, I was surprised when I couldn’t get anyone above (my guesstimate) the age of 45 to participate in the episode.  I had to change the episode to just be about dating a robot versus how various ages responded.  This week, I interviewed folks about their ‘Secret Single Behavior’ – otherwise known as the things you do when no one else is around.  After my experience filming the robot episode, I wondered if this topic was going to be too personal to get folks to participate.  But, even this very intimate topic was no issue.  People shared not only what they do on their own, but one person shared a never been told secret!  As much as I would like to say its because of my oh-so-welcoming host demeanor, I know that I can’t claim total responsibility for getting folks to open up.  So the question is, why then are millennials so willing to share all for the camera?  Here’s my theory.

We feel special.
In grade school, our gym teacher sometimes allowed us to pick teams for sports.  Everyone in the class would line up and then two captains would choose who they wanted on their team.  It wasn’t always a fun activity, because of the risk of being picked last, but when you got picked within the first few students, it felt so good.  When it happened to me, I felt desired and valuable.  I think being asked to speak on camera is similar.  You see someone walking around with a microphone, looking for who to film, and they come up to you, out of all the other people around.  It makes us feel like they think we’ve got something to offer that’s of value, something special.  In our 20s and 30s, we’re still very much figuring out what we bring to society, what value we have to offer.  Talking on camera affirms that someone else thinks that we have it, even if we haven’t figured out what “it” is yet.

We feel connected.
Vulnerability is a funny thing.  It can make us feel super uncomfortable and want to crawl into a hole, but it can also make us feel the most connected to people.  I think deep down we need to feel vulnerable to create human connections so look for opportunities, consciously or subconsciously, to feel that way.  Sometimes it can manifest itself in situations we aren’t expecting.  I remember having a break up conversation with a guy and thinking, wow, we’ll probably get back together because I feel so close to him right now.  He was telling me that he wasn’t sure how he felt about me, yet, his honesty and vulnerability made me feel closer to him than ever!  Other times we seek it out.  I watched a prison documentary once which said inmates in solitary confinement would rather be beaten by a guard then face days of no contact with anyone.  In today’s world, because we often interact behind a screen of our phone, we have to create opportunities to connect with people in a vulnerable way.  Finding these opportunities can take effort but if you get asked to share your thoughts on a show, it’s an easy way to get this connection.  We may not be aware of why we have the desire to share, because it isn’t necessarily comfortable, but I think we are pulled into participating because it breeds a real, authentic connection that we all crave.

We want to be Reality TV stars.
Reality TV lowered the bar for becoming famous.  While some reality TV shows are about people with talent, like Chopped or Fixer Upper, some shows are just about the drama of people who haven’t really done anything aside from open up their lives to being on TV.  Reality TV is addicting because we can use that as an outlet to compare those people to our lives – either be grateful that we aren’t like that or watch enviously wishing we had the life of the Kardashians.  Either way, because a lot of these stars are just average people (or were when they started), we relate to these shows and think it’s attainable to be one of them.  As millennials, we grew up in this age of Reality TV so crave this ‘stardom’ more than other generations.  Being in a YouTube video brings us one step closer to potentially making that desire a reality which is why I think it makes millennials in particular more willing to participate.  While I know there are probably a lot of people who would say they don’t want to be famous, I think deep down there’s something in all of us that does crave the affirmation of desire that comes with being famous.

Whatever the motivation, it is evident that we as millennials are much happier to spill ourselves on screen then generations before. While I appreciate this for my show, I think it’s important to more consciously think about why we are like this. And next time you’re approached on the street, speak up!  Because who knows, you may just be the next reality star.

I recently took a liking to Taylor Swift’s song “New Romantics” and decided Taylor Swift is THE millennial of millennials.  Even though she hangs out with models and fun celebs and posts amazing pictures on Instagram, she writes and sings about the struggles of being young – what its like to grow up during this unique time of opportunity, total transparency and instant gratification.  Her lyrics speak to this and give us a sense of relatability, an understanding that she, too, knows the struggle is real!  But what’s interesting about this song in particular is that the lyrics seem depressing when you read between their catchiness.  Because I have a history of always thinking songs are the wrong words (yes, I thought the Thong song was the Dong song), I looked up the lyrics just to make sure I heard correctly.  With the exception of one or two words (who wouldn’t think the opposite of love was anger?), what I heard was true.  But are we really as Tay Tay describes?  Let’s explore – here’s a link to her song lyrics since I am legally not allowed to quote her directly: http://www.metrolyrics.com/new-romantics-lyrics-taylor-swift.html.

After reflecting on the song, I definitely find myself having experienced or experiencing of a lot of what she talks about.  Her verse on being tired… This was the THEME of my 20s, and lately, I’ve had so many conversations with younger friends or coworkers wanting to switch their job, switch their apartment, switch their roommate, after just a few months… because it’s just not working.  Her lyrics on no show trains… I’ve definitely sought out perfection most of my 20s and didn’t settle for anything less, making myself pretty miserable in the process.  The line about going for danger… Um, yeah, who hasn’t dated the semi-jerk because if we can just win him over, then he must really like us.  The phrase on dancing… Does she mean dancing or the distractions we surround ourselves with to not face reality which only then end up hitting us in the face and “knocking us off our feet?”

I can’t speak for you, but in my opinion, I think the song sums our generation pretty well.  For better or worse, T Swift isn’t some distant, removed celeb, but she’s one of us.  She’s is BEING millennial.  But I think “New Romantics” isn’t meant to offend but to reinforce and point out what we all need – things we’ve learned, things we’re still learning, and things we need to learn.  I hope each time you listen to this song you will think about what this means to you, even if you are busy dancing.

This week was big for Periscope and Facebook Live.  Earlier in the week, the Democratic sit-in over gun control was not able to be filmed via C-SPAN, the usual filming mechanism for House of Representative sessions.  C-SPAN can only be filmed when the House is in session and when it was adjourned, the cameras were shut off.  Instead, C-SPAN leveraged the Periscope and Facebook Live accounts of two different representatives who were filming via their feeds.  Folks throughout the country could see what was going on “behind the closed doors” of the House of Representatives.  The news reports are saying that this coverage was educational for many folks in the country who had never heard of these apps, increasing visibility from just celebrities and younger generations to the broader nation.

While I was at the gym yesterday, news broke on a gunman in a movie theater in Germany.  I watched MSNBC report on it and try to give as much information as the event was unfolding.  Like many breaking news stories these days, information they were receiving was from non-news sources, one of which was again Periscope.  What was interesting to me about this coverage though was the emphasis put on the Periscope footage not being live.  MSNBC stressed that all footage was previously aired footage and that they would never air live footage because like the folks watching at home, a gunman could, too, have access.  Airing footage of security being set up outside or specifics could potentially give away information that would end up hurting the folks inside.  While obvious after they said it, the point being made by MSNBC was not one I had thought of, and I’m wondering if I’m not alone.

Transparency is all the rage these days and while I can see the benefits of live video, I wonder if we are smart enough to handle it.  Stories have popped up the past couple months about live streaming gone bad which is an obvious risk of any live show, like news.  What’s not quite as obvious is when live filming could reveal too much and the short and long term implications of it.  In the past, the folks who have access to live streaming are trained and limited, i.e. reporters, film crews, etc.  While I do think the filtering of what people see has gone too far in some news publications, the risk of information getting into the wrong hands is at least less likely.  Terrorist organizations would love to continue violence against Westernized nations who tend to be the most technologically connected and potentially the most likely to overshare.  Filming harmless events may prove to just be that, but could they also be used to find out information that, in the past, was harder to find or impossible to know in a given moment?  I think the MSNBC coverage proves it has that potential.  I don’t necessarily have the answers to whether live streaming apps should be limited.  We’ve seen the harm in different news sources picking and choosing what to report so filtering these apps might be worse.  But I do think our generation needs to at least think before they stream… Who has access to the information you are sharing, and what might they do with it?  What secrets might we be revealing in the moment that can be used then or down the road to lead to more violence?  What information is better left a mystery to the broader world?  Food for thought as we approach the holiday weekend next week and you are tempted to share all with the world.

There are some days where you wake up refreshed and feel excited and passionate to take on the day!  And then there are the other days where you don’t really want to get out of bed.  You wish you had gotten a little more sleep and hadn’t stayed up to watch the last episode of Bloodline.  You wish your boss was on vacation because his attitude yesterday just cannot be tolerated again today.  You also wish you hadn’t sent that late night text to your girlfriend because now you aren’t sure if she is still your girlfriend.  The other days kind of feel like what it would be like if Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day wrote an adult version of his life.  So what do you do on the other days?  You could be like Alexander and think about moving to Australia, but unfortunately, we know that it’s probably just going to lead to bigger problems, like… er… losing your job (which can sound appealing but probably best not to decide in this moment).  Instead, I’ve found it’s helpful to breathe, focus on today and what motivates me.

Breathe
When we are rundown or not 100%, we can often feel the pressure of not feeling 100% when we would like to be.  We sense ourselves being a little off, so we try to make up for what we are feeling by forcing ourselves past our mood.  We exert extra energy into how we are acting which can sometimes backfire and makes us feel even more off.  If forcing yourself past your mood works, then more power to you.  For me, this only ends up taking it’s toll in the long run (if you need a visual, just picture Crutchy in Newsies shredding the newspapers).  Instead of trying to fight the reality of where I am, I’ve found it helpful to start off the day with some deep breaths.  Taking deep breaths, down into your stomach, is shown to physically relax our bodies and help fight any of the anxiety or stress we may feel about taking on the day.

Focus on Today
I struggle with anxiety so it’s easy for me to want to add to my problems when I feel any.  When I’m feeling overwhelmed by today, my natural tendency is to let myself get overwhelmed by today and tomorrow.  Keeping yourself in check about what you need to get done today, and not tomorrow, is important because it allows you to exert your energy on what’s necessary, not what’s a nice to have.  Don’t stress yourself by adding more to your plate when you don’t need to.

Focus on What Motivates You
It’s amazing how much motivation is related to energy.  If you are doing something that energizes you, then your ability to stay motivated during a task can remain longer than it would otherwise.  It seems obvious but wasn’t something I realized until last year when I took an energy assessment.  What energizes you has less to do with what you are doing and more to do with how you are doing it.  For me, I’m motivated by relationships so if I’m doing a task to promote someone or work with someone, I’m going to be more motivated.  For others, it could be the ability to feel accomplished into a certain time period so checking off completed steps is motivating.  If you woke up with your energy level low, then the easiest way to counteract that is to find out what makes you motivated and incorporate that into your day.

I’ve felt my mood and attitude change just by taking these three steps.  But if you don’t, you can always move on to option b… moving to Australia.

People generally don’t like to talk about finances.  It makes them uncomfortable about the same as the word moist makes me uncomfortable.  Even with close friends and family, people will talk about their exercise habits and intimate bedroom details before ever bringing up the health of their finances.  On one hand, I get it.  Conscious or not, we each have an association of money and what it represents for our own worth and position within society.  It is our means for doing and getting what we want because most things in life are not free.  Even if we don’t care about making a lot of money, conversations about finances could force us to encounter other people’s views of money and face things in ourselves we didn’t even know existed.  I recently felt this when I left my corporate job to pursue a talk show career.  I found myself trying to internally justify leaving a well paying job to pursue something where I haven’t made a dollar since the money alone didn’t prove I made the right decision.

On the other hand, I think it’s really weird that we will talk about just about every other aspect of our lives except this, and our resolve to not talk about it confirms an unhealthy relationship that needs to be further explored.  Bold statement? Maybe.  But I think we need to go there, especially as a generation with the extremely high debt levels that are going to take people decades to pay off.  I don’t think it’s quite as uncomfortable as it sounds, no more uncomfortable than I can imagine having to explain where babies come from to your kids is.  I envision it like this:  being open and honest about what you believe about finances and discussing it with close friends or family.  That’s it.  No intimate details about what you made this week or what you got in your bonus.  Just general details about your financial health, your beliefs about your finances… and then, discuss.  I think like other areas in our lives where our friends help provide guidance and insight to improve our standard of living, we could be of service to each other here.

I had a conversation with a millennial Uber driver which started my desire for a financial transparency movement (hashtag away! #FTM).  He told me that he did not like American Express because it made him pay off his balance in full every month.  He revealed that while he knows he pays some interest (but was not aware how much), he would rather a card that only requires him to pay part of his balance.  He could pay his credit card in full but why would he if he doesn’t have to.  I understand that not paying off his card could be to use the money elsewhere and maybe the interest on the card is cheaper than what he would get on a loan…There are definitely financially responsible reasons to not pay off a credit card, but after talking for a few minutes, he expressed he hadn’t really understood how much money he was wasting by not paying it off until our conversation.  I know he’s not alone.  Limited conversations with some friends who haven’t worked at a credit card company have taught me they too, don’t understand all the complexities of credit cards.  So let’s just talk about it.  We all bring different knowledge and habits and could definitely help each other save a dollar or two… as a generation who enjoys sharing cars and apartments, let’s also share our financial knowledge.

I am in a period of transition, and it feels weird.  There are lots of transition points you encounter in life – moving, change in job, family additions – and no matter how many I’ve gone through, each is unique is in it’s own way.  I recently left my corporate job to pursue a talk show career full-time.  I am loving this new path yet find the contrast in lifestyle bigger than I expected.  I had a pretty good gig at a financial services company, and after 10 years in the corporate world, I was definitely in a rhythm (think, dancing GIF of me doing the Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air).  I knew what everyday would bring.  I felt comfortable.  Now, I couldn’t be further from his feeling.  As a new ar-tiste, I am learning how to live in this entrepreneur like world.  I wake up everyday and set my agenda for the day.  While I may set deadlines, I can’t control the people I’m dependent on so have to just be flexible.  I constantly feel a pressure to deliver, which I have no doubt all entrepreneurs feel, because I am the main proponent in making this venture a success.  I am not fully sure I know what my end game is so am trying to figure out how to apply success metrics to a field that can take years to ever make money – yes, I just said success metrics #corporatelingoturnsentrepreneur (side note, if you have not watched the video “The Center for Corporate Studies” on YouTube, you must. It’s hysterical).

Transitions are inevitable because all of life is constantly changing.  As a kid, you might be forced into a transition.  I moved from California to New Jersey when I was 8-years-old and didn’t know how to handle it.  I shut down and didn’t talk for the first three months (also because my mom told me if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all – point taken).  As an adult, we sometimes get to choose our transitions, but that doesn’t mean it’s not equally parts scary and exciting.  I could not feel more confident that making a career change was the right choice for me, but if any of you have gone through a significant lifestyle transition, then you, too, know that at the beginning, it is really hard.  You can mentally prepare yourself for what might lie ahead, but it might not happen exactly how you thought.  I know I’m not the only person who has felt this but wanted to share some of the things I’ve realized about adult transitions.

Lesson 1:  Enjoy the process – don’t focus on the outcome.  

I’ve been told this about life before but when someone told me this recently, I realized I was not embracing it.  I was beating myself up about what I haven’t accomplished in my one month of this new career.  ONE MONTH.  I was frustrated and already doubting my pursuit of a talk show career.  I was so focused on outside metrics and lost touch with what I’m learning each day.  Sometimes not hitting milestones is the best thing for you – maybe you aren’t ready or maybe it isn’t the right direction.  So focus on each day, not some far off objective, and when you need to get to your original goal or a new one, you will.

Lesson 2: Give yourself a chance.  

When fear and unknown are staring you in the face, it is so easy to welcome them in and listen to the doubts and lies.  You might not know what you are doing; you might not know what tomorrow will literally bring; but give yourself a chance to learn and grow.  Stop yourself from thinking negative thoughts or sabotaging your own progress, especially when you first start out.

Lesson 3: Don’t keep it together.  

No one is perfect when they set out to do something new, and if you try to act like you know it all already, you are going to be exhausted.  Let yourself have off days where you don’t get as much done as you wanted to get done.  Let yourself be honest and open with people when you feel overwhelmed and can’t do all that you maybe could do before.  Vulnerability is not weakness, and I think you will be surprised at freedom from allowing yourself to live where you are now.

We are called lazy.  It’s one of the most common adjectives you will hear describing millennials… just last week a video went viral of a millennial named Alexis Boomer who apologized for our laziness, entitlement, and lack of respect for our elders.  I applaud Alexis for taking a stand and putting it out there – it’s not easy to put your opinions online especially when it might anger a lot of your friends and peers.  I, too, have witnessed firsthand why our generation gets labeled with such derogatory phrases, but I think our generation is more than meets the eye.  Alexis asks us to just start “contributing” to society, and I think if more of us could, we would.  I think in order to start contributing and stop being so “lazy,” we actually need to start by understanding ourselves more.

A lot of people have questioned what makes millennials the way they are and like all generations, there are probably a ton of interwoven factors that have led us to be the generation of selfies and tweeting our every move #lovedmylunchyesterday.  We don’t need to dwell on these, but I think they are important to at least mention.  From my limited analysis, it feels like some of our attitude and approach to life could have to do with how our parents were raised and how that led them to raise us; it could have to do with where we are in technological history and the rapid advances; it could have to do with changes in psychology like the self-esteem movement in the 1980s; it could have to do with Baby Boomers having the highest divorce rate of any generation.  I’m not saying that this is the complete list or we are special and other generations didn’t see big changes that impact their approach to society – I’m just noting that like all generations, we are impacted by that which is around us.

The definition of laziness is not being willing to work or be active when you can, or in other words, the choice to not do activity.  People get frustrated with millennials because they feel that we approach our lives and work lazily.  I’m not arguing that there isn’t some merit to that statement.  However, what people might not realize is that millennials often don’t take a day off from work.  A 2015 study revealed that 35% of millennials actually work in some capacity on every day of their vacation, and the 2016 version of the study revealed that 59% of millennials feel shame for taking vacation versus only 41% of folks who feel the same way 35 and older.  Wait… what, some millennials work all the time yet they are perceived as not doing as much when they are in the office?  I know!  It seems kind of contradictory … which is why I think we need to understand ourselves more.  Maybe we are our own worst enemy and actually causing a reputation that at least at work, could partially be fixed by just being more productive with our days at work.  A friend told me she gets a daily “Message from The Universe” via email but they only come out Monday to Friday.  The Universe takes the weekend off??  I think we need to think about who we are, how we got here, and who we want to be… maybe on a vacation.

Would you date a robot?  British millennials would.  A recent survey of 1,000 18- to 34-year-olds revealed that 26% of them would date a robot if it looked like a person and was their perfect match.  Maybe it’s the ‘ish’ side of me, but I find this to be shocking.  I know I might be a bit more resistant than the average millennial to how much technology has taken over aspects of our lives.  I stayed off of social media until 2015, still use paper cookbooks, and have never done online dating.  But all of that aside, I cannot believe such a big percentage of my peers would want this.  The thought of replacing the few areas where we still have human interaction with technology is both sad and disturbing to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely see the appeal of being with someone/something who is perfect for you.  It would eliminate a lot of the discomfort of relationships like fighting and pain – no more conversations that make you insecure or leave you feeling like you are a bad person.  It would allow you to control how and when you communicate so it’s the best balance of what you like.  It takes away the element of timing because as your perfect match, they are ready for whatever you want when you want!  It would also mean getting your perfect 10 in hotness, tailored to whatever shape, size and color is your thing.

But would that really make us more happy?  Would we enjoy it or might it actually make us feel bored, emotionless, and insecure?  We as humans are wired to feel a range of emotions.  Would we still feel sadness, happiness, and excitement if we were with our perfect, robot match?  Would we know what happiness is if we are never upset?  In addition, studies researching the effects of social media are finding that social media can make people feel worse about themselves because of how we compare ourselves to what we see online.  Social media almost acts like a “robot” version of each of us – a controlled, perfect version of ourselves.  Couldn’t a perfect partner make us feel worse if we were around that all the time?  Would the robot age or would we move towards death as it remained perfect?  I don’t think dating a robot is as good as it sounds.  I’m much more aligned to what they said in an episode of Sex and the City: “Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.  Without them, what would shape our lives?”  I like dating imperfect people because after all, I’m one of them.