Author: lcdelery

As a millennial female, I’ve grown up in the age of the independent woman.  I’ve been told that I can have it all and if I work hard enough, my dreams WILL come true.  A family, a job that I love, to be healthy and time to do and be good at all the other random things I want to do – whatever it is that I want, I can do it and be successful at it.  I can be an extraordinary mother, friend, worker, athlete… the sky is the limit.  I think a lot of females in our generation have been told this and tried to go after it.  We are the biggest generation of college educated females.  We are the biggest generation of females who still work after having kids – 70% of millennial females go back to work after they have a child.  We are also the latest generation to marry, pushing off traditional beliefs like families as we pursue other parts of our dreams.

As much as I love the empowerment that’s come with growing up during this time, I have to burst the bubble of optimism and call BS – I think it’s impossible to have it all when having it all means being extraordinary at everything.  To start off, there’s not enough time in the day to do everything you want let alone do it well.  I have gotten so burnt out from work that I would wake up for 2 hours every night along with other physical ailments that started to appear throughout my body (trying to keep it PG here people).  Next, there’s physical and biological factors that do limit us in various ways.  Our biological clock is sadly ticking!!  And not just for carrying a baby but also having the energy to raise one.  Lastly, when you try to focus on all these “things you want,” focusing on doing them well can take the fun out of it and make you start to regret the very priorities you set out to achieve.  I’ve tried to be the perfect sister, friend, girlfriend, and employee, and it’s left me tired, discouraged, and feeling like a failure at various times for not being good enough, and my extreme reaction is to go runaway and live on a mountain by myself.  I have friends who feel the same way about being a mom – they feel like they aren’t a good enough mom because they aren’t breast feeding long enough or have hired help.

I had an eye opening conversation with a 19-year-old female student the other day who was stressed about how she was going to achieve everything she wants in life.  It’s scary to think how what was meant to be empowering has now become stressful because of the reality of how hard it is to be extraordinary at everything.  So I think we need to help the younger millennials hear our struggles as a female in this day in age and see the reality of being an independent female.  The truth is, females aren’t superhuman and we can’t have it all, but it doesn’t mean life isn’t going to be all you want it to be.  If we prioritize our time and energy, pick what’s most important to us and accept our limitations, we will be happier with being extraordinary at some things and relaxing and enjoying all things in our life.

I’m visiting my new niece this week who is about to turn one month.  It’s so intriguing to watch her – she’s fearless and confident.  At less than 10 pounds she can’t do anything on her own, but that doesn’t stop her from letting us know what she wants and when she wants it.  Her little skull plates haven’t molded together yet to protect her head, but she’s still wants to move around and explore.  She falls asleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere and everywhere, having confidence that we will look after her and she will be fine.  She knows I love her little finger squeezes.  And on top of it all, she can’t help but smell amazing.

While I know that she also hasn’t experienced a lot of the world and has an undeveloped brain, I realized I’m kind of envious of her state of mind.  You can laugh, I can take it… but seriously, wouldn’t it be kind of nice to go back to being a baby for a little while?  It sounds scary on one hand but freeing on the other… treating life like I just came out of a black hole for 9 months and am exploring things for the first time, on my own, forming my own opinions and thoughts from a blank slate.  Giving people the benefit of the doubt that they have my back and will step up when the time comes.  Knowing that I can demand things from people and that they want to step in and love me, just as I am.

It’s interesting to think about how to apply it to my life… Should I be more adventurous?  Should I take more time to form my own opinions before seeking the advice of others?  What do I do with all pain and history of lessons past?  What do I do with the shower gels that are clearly not making me smell as good as my niece?  I don’t want to disregard the things I’ve learned, but I do think I need to learn to “just be” more – not assume the worst of people or situations, appreciate the opportunities and people that come into my life, and never forget what I once did – come into the world after 9 months of hibernation and “just be.”

Have you ever thought about the time when you realized you are actually an adult? Yes, I know, it sounds somewhat cliché.  I’m not talking about the physical changes that we awkwardly go through in our teens (ugh, puberty really is as bad as in health class, still have some vivid memories of those changes if you want me to share).  I’m thinking about the points in your early 20s where you realize that you have somehow become an independent person who is more or less on your own.  One of the most distinct points I had this realization was the first important conversation where I strongly disagreed with my mom.

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I can’t remember specifically what we were actually talking about now, but it had to do with a fight with my boyfriend #storyofmylife.  I was going through a relationship that involved more break ups than being together #firstlove, and my mom was telling me what she thought I should do.  I remember a weird feeling that said ‘your mom is great, and she does have great advice, but is this the best advice for YOU?’  It wasn’t the first time I questioned what my parents said, but it was the first time that I was actually adult enough to realize what was going on in my head.  When you are younger and feel it, you can’t tell if it’s just you wanting to do what your parents don’t want you to do or you just deciding to disagree because it’s fun.  But this time, I realized I had to listen to myself, choose my own path, and that freaked me out.

When you have been fortunate enough to look up to your parents or an elder mentor, it’s so hard to take that step and do what you want to do rather than what they are telling you.  Questions start popping in your head:  Could I really be right?  What happens if they are right?  What happens if this blows up in my face?  Will they support me if I don’t listen to them?  It’s like they have some sort of a spell on you and you know it, but you can’t seem to or really want to break away from it.  Well, as terrified and scared as I was, I decided to go with my approach.  It actually wasn’t pretty and we broke up AGAIN as a result, but I realized that even though it wasn’t what I wanted, it was ok.  From making that decision, I learned more about myself, what I need, and why my gut was telling me to make that choice.  I’ve harnessed that feeling over time and some of my biggest choices, like leaving the corporate world, have stemmed from knowing when to trust myself vs. listen to others.  So don’t rule out the feeling when you get it – sometimes the scary road less traveled is actually the right direction for you.

There’s an old Serenity Prayer that goes:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Lately, I’m thinking this is more like a Sanity Prayer that should continue:
And don’t forget to take away my wi-fi while I decide.

So much of what we say today is permanent – it is recorded in our emails… listed in comments we make online… there are now even daycare apps that record down to when your child poops #gladitsnotme.   Being behind the veil of a computer or phone makes it easy to spout off whatever we want on whatever we want, forgetting that usually, on the other end are these aliens called humans.  I find myself reading more, learning more and also reacting more from the information overload at hand.

I’m a big proponent in fighting for and working towards change, but over time, I’ve realized that sometimes what I put in email or online isn’t actually helping promote change or discussion.  My words can instead be hurtful or misunderstood.  Emotion can get the best of me, and I’m firing off short phrases that can really only be said face-to-face.  So I’ve decided my best bet is to say the sanity prayer from time to time and practice ‘wi-fi restriction’ until I think through how and if I will join a cause.  It won’t be perfect, and for certain periods of the month I might need to cut myself off for days #moodiness, but I’m hopeful if we can all find our own version of the sanity prayer, we’ll be happier with our technological footprint down the road.