Category: 2016

People generally don’t like to talk about finances.  It makes them uncomfortable about the same as the word moist makes me uncomfortable.  Even with close friends and family, people will talk about their exercise habits and intimate bedroom details before ever bringing up the health of their finances.  On one hand, I get it.  Conscious or not, we each have an association of money and what it represents for our own worth and position within society.  It is our means for doing and getting what we want because most things in life are not free.  Even if we don’t care about making a lot of money, conversations about finances could force us to encounter other people’s views of money and face things in ourselves we didn’t even know existed.  I recently felt this when I left my corporate job to pursue a talk show career.  I found myself trying to internally justify leaving a well paying job to pursue something where I haven’t made a dollar since the money alone didn’t prove I made the right decision.

On the other hand, I think it’s really weird that we will talk about just about every other aspect of our lives except this, and our resolve to not talk about it confirms an unhealthy relationship that needs to be further explored.  Bold statement? Maybe.  But I think we need to go there, especially as a generation with the extremely high debt levels that are going to take people decades to pay off.  I don’t think it’s quite as uncomfortable as it sounds, no more uncomfortable than I can imagine having to explain where babies come from to your kids is.  I envision it like this:  being open and honest about what you believe about finances and discussing it with close friends or family.  That’s it.  No intimate details about what you made this week or what you got in your bonus.  Just general details about your financial health, your beliefs about your finances… and then, discuss.  I think like other areas in our lives where our friends help provide guidance and insight to improve our standard of living, we could be of service to each other here.

I had a conversation with a millennial Uber driver which started my desire for a financial transparency movement (hashtag away! #FTM).  He told me that he did not like American Express because it made him pay off his balance in full every month.  He revealed that while he knows he pays some interest (but was not aware how much), he would rather a card that only requires him to pay part of his balance.  He could pay his credit card in full but why would he if he doesn’t have to.  I understand that not paying off his card could be to use the money elsewhere and maybe the interest on the card is cheaper than what he would get on a loan…There are definitely financially responsible reasons to not pay off a credit card, but after talking for a few minutes, he expressed he hadn’t really understood how much money he was wasting by not paying it off until our conversation.  I know he’s not alone.  Limited conversations with some friends who haven’t worked at a credit card company have taught me they too, don’t understand all the complexities of credit cards.  So let’s just talk about it.  We all bring different knowledge and habits and could definitely help each other save a dollar or two… as a generation who enjoys sharing cars and apartments, let’s also share our financial knowledge.

I am in a period of transition, and it feels weird.  There are lots of transition points you encounter in life – moving, change in job, family additions – and no matter how many I’ve gone through, each is unique is in it’s own way.  I recently left my corporate job to pursue a talk show career full-time.  I am loving this new path yet find the contrast in lifestyle bigger than I expected.  I had a pretty good gig at a financial services company, and after 10 years in the corporate world, I was definitely in a rhythm (think, dancing GIF of me doing the Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air).  I knew what everyday would bring.  I felt comfortable.  Now, I couldn’t be further from his feeling.  As a new ar-tiste, I am learning how to live in this entrepreneur like world.  I wake up everyday and set my agenda for the day.  While I may set deadlines, I can’t control the people I’m dependent on so have to just be flexible.  I constantly feel a pressure to deliver, which I have no doubt all entrepreneurs feel, because I am the main proponent in making this venture a success.  I am not fully sure I know what my end game is so am trying to figure out how to apply success metrics to a field that can take years to ever make money – yes, I just said success metrics #corporatelingoturnsentrepreneur (side note, if you have not watched the video “The Center for Corporate Studies” on YouTube, you must. It’s hysterical).

Transitions are inevitable because all of life is constantly changing.  As a kid, you might be forced into a transition.  I moved from California to New Jersey when I was 8-years-old and didn’t know how to handle it.  I shut down and didn’t talk for the first three months (also because my mom told me if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all – point taken).  As an adult, we sometimes get to choose our transitions, but that doesn’t mean it’s not equally parts scary and exciting.  I could not feel more confident that making a career change was the right choice for me, but if any of you have gone through a significant lifestyle transition, then you, too, know that at the beginning, it is really hard.  You can mentally prepare yourself for what might lie ahead, but it might not happen exactly how you thought.  I know I’m not the only person who has felt this but wanted to share some of the things I’ve realized about adult transitions.

Lesson 1:  Enjoy the process – don’t focus on the outcome.  

I’ve been told this about life before but when someone told me this recently, I realized I was not embracing it.  I was beating myself up about what I haven’t accomplished in my one month of this new career.  ONE MONTH.  I was frustrated and already doubting my pursuit of a talk show career.  I was so focused on outside metrics and lost touch with what I’m learning each day.  Sometimes not hitting milestones is the best thing for you – maybe you aren’t ready or maybe it isn’t the right direction.  So focus on each day, not some far off objective, and when you need to get to your original goal or a new one, you will.

Lesson 2: Give yourself a chance.  

When fear and unknown are staring you in the face, it is so easy to welcome them in and listen to the doubts and lies.  You might not know what you are doing; you might not know what tomorrow will literally bring; but give yourself a chance to learn and grow.  Stop yourself from thinking negative thoughts or sabotaging your own progress, especially when you first start out.

Lesson 3: Don’t keep it together.  

No one is perfect when they set out to do something new, and if you try to act like you know it all already, you are going to be exhausted.  Let yourself have off days where you don’t get as much done as you wanted to get done.  Let yourself be honest and open with people when you feel overwhelmed and can’t do all that you maybe could do before.  Vulnerability is not weakness, and I think you will be surprised at freedom from allowing yourself to live where you are now.

We are called lazy.  It’s one of the most common adjectives you will hear describing millennials… just last week a video went viral of a millennial named Alexis Boomer who apologized for our laziness, entitlement, and lack of respect for our elders.  I applaud Alexis for taking a stand and putting it out there – it’s not easy to put your opinions online especially when it might anger a lot of your friends and peers.  I, too, have witnessed firsthand why our generation gets labeled with such derogatory phrases, but I think our generation is more than meets the eye.  Alexis asks us to just start “contributing” to society, and I think if more of us could, we would.  I think in order to start contributing and stop being so “lazy,” we actually need to start by understanding ourselves more.

A lot of people have questioned what makes millennials the way they are and like all generations, there are probably a ton of interwoven factors that have led us to be the generation of selfies and tweeting our every move #lovedmylunchyesterday.  We don’t need to dwell on these, but I think they are important to at least mention.  From my limited analysis, it feels like some of our attitude and approach to life could have to do with how our parents were raised and how that led them to raise us; it could have to do with where we are in technological history and the rapid advances; it could have to do with changes in psychology like the self-esteem movement in the 1980s; it could have to do with Baby Boomers having the highest divorce rate of any generation.  I’m not saying that this is the complete list or we are special and other generations didn’t see big changes that impact their approach to society – I’m just noting that like all generations, we are impacted by that which is around us.

The definition of laziness is not being willing to work or be active when you can, or in other words, the choice to not do activity.  People get frustrated with millennials because they feel that we approach our lives and work lazily.  I’m not arguing that there isn’t some merit to that statement.  However, what people might not realize is that millennials often don’t take a day off from work.  A 2015 study revealed that 35% of millennials actually work in some capacity on every day of their vacation, and the 2016 version of the study revealed that 59% of millennials feel shame for taking vacation versus only 41% of folks who feel the same way 35 and older.  Wait… what, some millennials work all the time yet they are perceived as not doing as much when they are in the office?  I know!  It seems kind of contradictory … which is why I think we need to understand ourselves more.  Maybe we are our own worst enemy and actually causing a reputation that at least at work, could partially be fixed by just being more productive with our days at work.  A friend told me she gets a daily “Message from The Universe” via email but they only come out Monday to Friday.  The Universe takes the weekend off??  I think we need to think about who we are, how we got here, and who we want to be… maybe on a vacation.

Would you date a robot?  British millennials would.  A recent survey of 1,000 18- to 34-year-olds revealed that 26% of them would date a robot if it looked like a person and was their perfect match.  Maybe it’s the ‘ish’ side of me, but I find this to be shocking.  I know I might be a bit more resistant than the average millennial to how much technology has taken over aspects of our lives.  I stayed off of social media until 2015, still use paper cookbooks, and have never done online dating.  But all of that aside, I cannot believe such a big percentage of my peers would want this.  The thought of replacing the few areas where we still have human interaction with technology is both sad and disturbing to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely see the appeal of being with someone/something who is perfect for you.  It would eliminate a lot of the discomfort of relationships like fighting and pain – no more conversations that make you insecure or leave you feeling like you are a bad person.  It would allow you to control how and when you communicate so it’s the best balance of what you like.  It takes away the element of timing because as your perfect match, they are ready for whatever you want when you want!  It would also mean getting your perfect 10 in hotness, tailored to whatever shape, size and color is your thing.

But would that really make us more happy?  Would we enjoy it or might it actually make us feel bored, emotionless, and insecure?  We as humans are wired to feel a range of emotions.  Would we still feel sadness, happiness, and excitement if we were with our perfect, robot match?  Would we know what happiness is if we are never upset?  In addition, studies researching the effects of social media are finding that social media can make people feel worse about themselves because of how we compare ourselves to what we see online.  Social media almost acts like a “robot” version of each of us – a controlled, perfect version of ourselves.  Couldn’t a perfect partner make us feel worse if we were around that all the time?  Would the robot age or would we move towards death as it remained perfect?  I don’t think dating a robot is as good as it sounds.  I’m much more aligned to what they said in an episode of Sex and the City: “Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.  Without them, what would shape our lives?”  I like dating imperfect people because after all, I’m one of them.

As a millennial female, I’ve grown up in the age of the independent woman.  I’ve been told that I can have it all and if I work hard enough, my dreams WILL come true.  A family, a job that I love, to be healthy and time to do and be good at all the other random things I want to do – whatever it is that I want, I can do it and be successful at it.  I can be an extraordinary mother, friend, worker, athlete… the sky is the limit.  I think a lot of females in our generation have been told this and tried to go after it.  We are the biggest generation of college educated females.  We are the biggest generation of females who still work after having kids – 70% of millennial females go back to work after they have a child.  We are also the latest generation to marry, pushing off traditional beliefs like families as we pursue other parts of our dreams.

As much as I love the empowerment that’s come with growing up during this time, I have to burst the bubble of optimism and call BS – I think it’s impossible to have it all when having it all means being extraordinary at everything.  To start off, there’s not enough time in the day to do everything you want let alone do it well.  I have gotten so burnt out from work that I would wake up for 2 hours every night along with other physical ailments that started to appear throughout my body (trying to keep it PG here people).  Next, there’s physical and biological factors that do limit us in various ways.  Our biological clock is sadly ticking!!  And not just for carrying a baby but also having the energy to raise one.  Lastly, when you try to focus on all these “things you want,” focusing on doing them well can take the fun out of it and make you start to regret the very priorities you set out to achieve.  I’ve tried to be the perfect sister, friend, girlfriend, and employee, and it’s left me tired, discouraged, and feeling like a failure at various times for not being good enough, and my extreme reaction is to go runaway and live on a mountain by myself.  I have friends who feel the same way about being a mom – they feel like they aren’t a good enough mom because they aren’t breast feeding long enough or have hired help.

I had an eye opening conversation with a 19-year-old female student the other day who was stressed about how she was going to achieve everything she wants in life.  It’s scary to think how what was meant to be empowering has now become stressful because of the reality of how hard it is to be extraordinary at everything.  So I think we need to help the younger millennials hear our struggles as a female in this day in age and see the reality of being an independent female.  The truth is, females aren’t superhuman and we can’t have it all, but it doesn’t mean life isn’t going to be all you want it to be.  If we prioritize our time and energy, pick what’s most important to us and accept our limitations, we will be happier with being extraordinary at some things and relaxing and enjoying all things in our life.

I’m visiting my new niece this week who is about to turn one month.  It’s so intriguing to watch her – she’s fearless and confident.  At less than 10 pounds she can’t do anything on her own, but that doesn’t stop her from letting us know what she wants and when she wants it.  Her little skull plates haven’t molded together yet to protect her head, but she’s still wants to move around and explore.  She falls asleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere and everywhere, having confidence that we will look after her and she will be fine.  She knows I love her little finger squeezes.  And on top of it all, she can’t help but smell amazing.

While I know that she also hasn’t experienced a lot of the world and has an undeveloped brain, I realized I’m kind of envious of her state of mind.  You can laugh, I can take it… but seriously, wouldn’t it be kind of nice to go back to being a baby for a little while?  It sounds scary on one hand but freeing on the other… treating life like I just came out of a black hole for 9 months and am exploring things for the first time, on my own, forming my own opinions and thoughts from a blank slate.  Giving people the benefit of the doubt that they have my back and will step up when the time comes.  Knowing that I can demand things from people and that they want to step in and love me, just as I am.

It’s interesting to think about how to apply it to my life… Should I be more adventurous?  Should I take more time to form my own opinions before seeking the advice of others?  What do I do with all pain and history of lessons past?  What do I do with the shower gels that are clearly not making me smell as good as my niece?  I don’t want to disregard the things I’ve learned, but I do think I need to learn to “just be” more – not assume the worst of people or situations, appreciate the opportunities and people that come into my life, and never forget what I once did – come into the world after 9 months of hibernation and “just be.”

Have you ever thought about the time when you realized you are actually an adult? Yes, I know, it sounds somewhat cliché.  I’m not talking about the physical changes that we awkwardly go through in our teens (ugh, puberty really is as bad as in health class, still have some vivid memories of those changes if you want me to share).  I’m thinking about the points in your early 20s where you realize that you have somehow become an independent person who is more or less on your own.  One of the most distinct points I had this realization was the first important conversation where I strongly disagreed with my mom.

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I can’t remember specifically what we were actually talking about now, but it had to do with a fight with my boyfriend #storyofmylife.  I was going through a relationship that involved more break ups than being together #firstlove, and my mom was telling me what she thought I should do.  I remember a weird feeling that said ‘your mom is great, and she does have great advice, but is this the best advice for YOU?’  It wasn’t the first time I questioned what my parents said, but it was the first time that I was actually adult enough to realize what was going on in my head.  When you are younger and feel it, you can’t tell if it’s just you wanting to do what your parents don’t want you to do or you just deciding to disagree because it’s fun.  But this time, I realized I had to listen to myself, choose my own path, and that freaked me out.

When you have been fortunate enough to look up to your parents or an elder mentor, it’s so hard to take that step and do what you want to do rather than what they are telling you.  Questions start popping in your head:  Could I really be right?  What happens if they are right?  What happens if this blows up in my face?  Will they support me if I don’t listen to them?  It’s like they have some sort of a spell on you and you know it, but you can’t seem to or really want to break away from it.  Well, as terrified and scared as I was, I decided to go with my approach.  It actually wasn’t pretty and we broke up AGAIN as a result, but I realized that even though it wasn’t what I wanted, it was ok.  From making that decision, I learned more about myself, what I need, and why my gut was telling me to make that choice.  I’ve harnessed that feeling over time and some of my biggest choices, like leaving the corporate world, have stemmed from knowing when to trust myself vs. listen to others.  So don’t rule out the feeling when you get it – sometimes the scary road less traveled is actually the right direction for you.

There’s an old Serenity Prayer that goes:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Lately, I’m thinking this is more like a Sanity Prayer that should continue:
And don’t forget to take away my wi-fi while I decide.

So much of what we say today is permanent – it is recorded in our emails… listed in comments we make online… there are now even daycare apps that record down to when your child poops #gladitsnotme.   Being behind the veil of a computer or phone makes it easy to spout off whatever we want on whatever we want, forgetting that usually, on the other end are these aliens called humans.  I find myself reading more, learning more and also reacting more from the information overload at hand.

I’m a big proponent in fighting for and working towards change, but over time, I’ve realized that sometimes what I put in email or online isn’t actually helping promote change or discussion.  My words can instead be hurtful or misunderstood.  Emotion can get the best of me, and I’m firing off short phrases that can really only be said face-to-face.  So I’ve decided my best bet is to say the sanity prayer from time to time and practice ‘wi-fi restriction’ until I think through how and if I will join a cause.  It won’t be perfect, and for certain periods of the month I might need to cut myself off for days #moodiness, but I’m hopeful if we can all find our own version of the sanity prayer, we’ll be happier with our technological footprint down the road.